Posts Tagged ‘pity party’

Imposer, Imposter.

Let me begin by apologizing.  I am afraid that you think I only complain, that I live in a world of melancholy.  That is not true.  I just pull from the inmost recesses of my heart when I write, and that is a place of messy corners and tangled emotions.  I have also been displaced from anything that is considered “normal” for over a year.  I think that justifies me a bit in my grumblings. 🙂

The holidays.  My favorite time of year.

I live for this time of year.  I pull out my autumn garlands, homemade wreaths, my sparkly arrangements and I light my “Home for the Holidays” candles.  I keep a fire in the fireplace.  I bake spritz cookies with holiday jam centers, pumpkin pies, and anything cinnamon.

This will be my second holiday season without these things.

We found out this week that we will not be moving out of my grandparents home this month the way we had hoped to.   We will be keeping them displaced.  They don’t mind — they genuinely like us here — but we feel so awful.  Moochers.

I wanted to have a home this holiday season.  I wanted to invite family over for a holiday get-together.  I wanted to bake goodies and play hostess.  We will have Thanksgiving at my grandparents (our) home this year.  It’s not MINE, but it’s something, at least.  Still, it feels like I’m just a imposter, playing hostess to a home that is not mine.

This Christmas will be equally unsettling.  All of our Christmas decorations are still packed away.  I always wanted to give my baby a picture-perfect Christmas, even though it’s just for me.  I wanted to put her “baby’s first Christmas” ornament on our tree.  Her stocking next to ours.  It’s just weird.  Nothing’s the same, anymore.  Last year’s Christmas at the in-laws was strange, because we were snowed out and we had to come later.  It was a gathering of just my husband and I opening gifts a week or two after Christmas while his family watched.  It was awkward and sad for me… it just seemed like a reminder that nothing was the same.

This year, we’re traveling to our BIL and SIL’s house.  It’s going to be Christmas in a new place (although it’s for our traveling ease, and I am thankful for that) and that’s going to be so weird for me.  I’m also a little jealous (yes, I just admitted that).  My SIL, who has been in the family for 9+ months will get to play hostess in her home.  I will have nothing to do.  I will be at loose ends, feeling like I don’t have a role, and therefore feeling like I’m not quite belonging. I already feel like I ceased being me when the baby was born.  I feel so second-rate.  Doesn’t feel fair.

Ha.  Haven’t I learned that already?  Life’s not fair.

That’s my confession.  One of my desires is to be the hostess in my home.  The center of the family like my grandmother has been for years.  I know this year isn’t going to be awful.  It will be sweet and beautiful in its own way.  I just struggle with the changes, and mourn the fact that I don’t get my own personal pride-booster of being told that I’m the perfect hostess, that people love being around me.

See? I’m both and imposer and an imposter.

Is this a normal reaction or am I as crazy as I sound?

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Unloading the Gun

I realize that if I don’t begin to release some of the emotions that I am feeling right now, I may explode into a million pieces. That would result in a very messy cleanup and my workplace is not interested in shutting down the office long enough to let the hazardous materials cleaners in to remove the macabre stains on the walls.

I sympathize with pain. I’ve experienced the feeling of a hand breaking through your chest, wrapping long spindly fingers around the bloody mass of a heart, and ripping it out. I’ve battled with depression. I’ve heard the person who gave birth to me tell me that I was the reason she took pills, and that she hated me. It was “all my fault.” I was tortured in school by a bunch of ridiculous girls who told the class that I had multiple personalities– and that I was just like my mom. I contemplated suicide in 7th and 11th grade. I fell in love with a boy that I worshiped, and he broke my heart and never spoke to me again. That, to date, was the worst pain. The night he dumped me, I drove 1 hour to see him, bought his dinner, then he dumped me. We cried for 4 hours, I threw up, and then I had to drive 1 hour home in an ice storm to a dorm room that was literally 90 degrees. I had the flu for a week. I had a less than great childhood. I was the “mom” for many years. I watched my parents do drugs. Sometimes they sold them. My mother went to jail, wrecked the car, was in rehab 6 times, overdosed and had to have her heart restarted, blamed me, and I had to pick up the pieces.

This doesn’t make my pain superior to anyone else, but I believes that it verifies that I have felt at least some degree of pain before. I had to learn to pick myself off the ground and make decisions to fight against the torrential currents of destruction. My childhood has taught me some valuable life lessons:

1. You ALWAYS have the choice to rise above the current situation.

2. Rising above the current situation doesn’t always mean a socioeconomic change, or a financial change, or a geographical change. However, it can always mean an internal change. You can ALWAYS choose integrity. Honesty. Class. Maturity.

3. A “Pity Party” is only acceptable for so long. If you wallow, you’re not showing integrity. You can always choose to fight.

4. Pain and emotions are completely valid. One person’s pain is not diminished because you do not understand it. Every person has a different tolerance level. I may be able to handle a larger amount of strife. Or vice versa.

5. In lieu of #4, this abolishes the whole “you just don’t understand” statement. You may NOT understand. However, you can understand pain and emotions. You can remain supportive even if you don’t personally know what it’s like to _____.”

6. Therefore, for a person to cling to the “you just don’t understand” statement and refuse to allow another person into your bubble long enough to at least be supportive, then you are throwing a “pity party” that has been going on too long.

In conclusion, I say this. It’s OKAY to hurt. It’s natural and necessary. But, you have to start on the healing process sometime. Bitterness is too easy to cling to, and trust me, it’s not worth it. If you never allow anyone in, then you’re going to be very lonely indeed. That’s something I can relate to.