Posts Tagged ‘choices’

Overcoming my unbelief.

For the last two years, we have not served in a church or participated in a church. My “breakup” with the church was far more personal and painful than I ever expected.  I never expected “my God” to allow such harm to come to us. You see, God was the one who loved me unconditionally.  I was from a rough home, a rough family life that told me I wasn’t good enough, so God was my comforter, my shield. Our breakup from the church was so much more painful than anything I had experienced in my past, because I never believed that God would allow me to enter into that kind of pain in His name.

In these past two years, our views on others and love have changed, and for the better. I believe that. More than that, I have entertained seeds of doubt about God: Does God really exist? Does God really care? Is God the active, intimate Being that we proclaim? Is religion even necessary? Does it do any good?

I’ve felt the pressure to walk away from God.  So many of the intelligent, wonderful people I look up to have done the same. Would I proclaim myself to be foolish and simple for continuing to follow God?  Also, would it align me with the people who say and do terrible and awful things in the name of the Lord? I don’t want to be known as judgmental and angry. Can I love the earth and want to take care of it and still be a believer? Can I care about the “least of these” and be aligned with the American Church?

The truth is: so many terrible, awful things have been done and said in the name of the Lord, and they have been lumped under the term “conservative Evangelicals.”  But the actions of the few (majority) cannot change what I feel in my heart. I cannot walk away from the teachings of Jesus. I feel compelled to follow Him.  I am also entering into this time with my spiritual jargon in disarray. I cannot use the old phrases anymore without needing to know exactly what I am saying. I cannot teach my child blindly.

It’s a disbelieving, agnostic world we live in.  That will not change.

Every day I encounter a thought, a bold word of unbelief, and I have to ask myself, “Will I believe this? Or will I follow what I am not sure of, even if this makes me look like a simpleton?” Perhaps this is real faith — following when you know the other side.

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One moment closer to the end.

There are two things that are certain in this life. Death and Taxes.

What’s our obsession with death? Is it because it is something we cannot truly control? We would like to believe that something of our own devices could control when we die. I am guilty of this. I eat my vegetables to prevent obesity. I exercise to make my heart strong. I wear sunscreen. I buckle my seatbelt. I do yoga and other stress-preventative exercises. I keep toxins out of my home. I purchase organic items (or at least I did before the $4 gas prices). I read my Bible. I try to live a moral life. I’m kind to others (the way I would like to be treated). If it’s good for you, I try to do it.

One thing I like is a tan. Before I heard how bad it was for you, I tanned every spring. Since I was 14. These past few years I’ve tried to stay away. But I always cave in. This year, I tried sunless tanner. I turned into an Oompa Loompa. Todd made fun of me for days, and I resolved to hit the beds and get a little glow before I blinded everyone at the water park this year. Do you want to know how I came to that decision?

We’re all dying anyway.

I believe in life after death. I know where I’m going. I love life, but who’s going to say that I’m not going to follow every rule only to be hit by a bus or a drunk driver? Or get lung cancer even though I’ve never smoked a single cigarette? Or as the plane crashes down I’ll say “oh isn’t this nice”? (Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?)

I’ve fought life every step of the way. I don’t fit a single ideal that the world tells me is great. I’m 5″3′. I’m 170 lbs, and a size 10/12. I have a beakish nose and pointy chin (great for halloween, bad for everyday). I can carry a tune, but I’m not a great singer. Every person I have ever been extremely close to has told me that I’m far from perfect. Yet, I strive for perfection.

And I’ve made my life MISERABLE.

I’ve found myself to be an average looking, chubby girl with an ordinary voice, an average intellect (not nearly as intelligent as other members of my family), an a mediocre life. All through following the rules. Trying to live life the way “I should.” There’s not a single person in my life that’s impressed or amazed by me, and I’m afraid that I’ll never know on earth a love like that. Maybe I’ve made myself unlovable by trying too hard. I’m dying. We all are. How can I stop wasting my life and be happy?

And how many other people in the world feel just like me?