Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

Sticks and stones may break my bones…

… but words will always hurt me.

Let me get to the crux of the matter.  There are days that I can barely lift my head because I feel like I am worthless in this world.  No amount of bags I make, things I create, kisses I give my child can change that. Often, I am crippled by the fear of newness and change, longing to remain behind the walls I have put -both literally and mentally- between myself and the world.

Some days I believe I am an amazing writer and that people like to read what I passionately and lovingly place on (digital) paper.
Some days I believe that I am talented with my artistic endeavors.
Some days I believe that I am beautiful with a nice outfit and a fixed up face.
Some days I believe that I am highly intelligent.

Then there are the “damn it all” days where a little voice tells me that nothing is true. “April, you’re past your “beautiful” years. You had them in college.  They are gone now.  There are much better writers than you. Writers that create stories that make you want to be their best friend in an instant. Writers that create beautiful tapestries with their words.  April, you are no longer in college.  There are much smarter people that you.  You are not intelligent.  If you were, you’d have a life. April, while you are creative, you create nothing new.  Face it, you are average. Forgettable. ”

I am not saying this because I want you to pity me.  I am saying it because these are the words that cause tears to fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks.  These are the words that “win” in my mind. These are the words that cut me to my soul and render me speechless.

Tonight I spoke to my brother, asking him to help me lose weight by calling me every morning to motivate me to work out. He encouraged me to go back to school to take a class or two and work on my masters.

“You’re smart enough,” he said.  “I know that last church messed you up, but if you quit striving, you die.”

I told him that we needed to focus on Todd getting a degree, not me.

“But April, you and Todd are made for each other. Both of you draw people to you without trying. Look at these bags and things. You’re not even trying to create a business, and yet you are selling bags.”

I told him that what “I would love to do, more than anything is to write and blog and do creative stuff for the rest of my life.”

“Then do it,” he said.  “Who cares if you make another dollar off of it? You love it, right? So if it takes you sixty dollars to make and you sell it for sixty dollars, would you never make another one? If you love it, do it.  I’m just fortunate that I make money doing what I love, but I would do it even if I didn’t make money.  If I die without a dollar to my name, and not a dollar in debt, then I’ve lived a successful life. If you stop striving, you die. You can do more than you give yourself credit for.”

My brother, when did you become so much smarter than me?

Why do I allow the words of those who do not love me to affect me more than the words of those that do? Most of the most damaging words I cling to were spoken by people who do not think a single thought about me during their daily lives.  Quickly, I forget the professors, family, friends, ministers, etc who told me that they thought I held promise. Promise.

Promise.

“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

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Social media overkill.

I am a mom.  I am a consumer.  I am an entrepreneur (an admittedly weak one, but still).  I am an internet user.  I am a social media stalker junkie.  I check my facebook and twitter often, for both updates on friends and to see if I have been contacted personally/feedback.  For months now, I have been struggling with something I see often from my “friends” — OVERLOAD.

I want to support my friends and their endeavors to make ends meet for their families.  I seriously do.  But I’m overwhelmed.  I’ve started hiding and deleting my friends that only post about “giveaways” on their blog, or promoting their business.  I understand that facebook and twitter is a good outlet for free publicity.  As a person who makes bows, bags, and more, I have loved the fact that I have been able to make a little money to help support my family through these media outlets.

Am I the only one that thinks that some people are taking it to far?

I’ll admit, I both understand and am frustrated by the “mommy blogging” business, as I’ve stated before.  It just feels to me like a junior-high popularity contest for mothers. (NOT EVERYONE, mind you, but there are several like this out there.) I talked to a friend of mine months ago that mentioned that he defriended a girl we grew up with because she had become one of these people. He said (paraphrase): that she was “not the only girl that had ever had a baby and that her life is not as interesting as she wants everyone to think it is.”  HA!! My sentiments exactly. I don’t want to feel inadequate as a mother.  It’s hard enough as it is without having other moms out there making me feel like somehow she got the genetic jackpot. … I digress.

It’s just all becoming so much overkill.

It definitely makes me think twice before I promote anything of mine.  I don’t advertise my blog 15 times a day.  I don’t update my facebook with posts on what I’m selling all the time.  I am working towards a website, logo, etc, because they are necessary at this point.

All this redundant promotion — It’s making facebook so much less fun.

Anyone else overwhelmed?

Mommy Blogging

I really should be cleaning right now, but I have this thought in my head that I have to get out. No doubt that I will forget the details I was sorting through my head as I was washing dishes, but I will attempt to think them out on “paper”.

Mommy blogging.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

By definition, a “mommy blogger” is a mom who blogs.  That would make me a mommy blogger.  I also write about the day-t0-day details of my life and being a stay-at-home mom of a 4 month old, I tend to write about motherhood.  My primary goals of writing on here is this: 1. I need to write because I love to write. 2. I like feeling like I am having a conversation with the reader.  3. I like having connections with people and knowing that they can relate.  While #1 is my primary reason, #2 and #3 are why I write online.  I have a journal for more private matters (and besides, who doesn’t LOVE the feel of pen on paper?) but I like having friends (real or pseudo) to relate to.

My main goal is to be authentic.

I hate when people market motherhood like a product.  We already have corporations that do that.  I don’t want the mom down the street marketing to me.  I don’t want to read a blog that makes motherhood sound continuously upbeat and cheerful.  I don’t like it when my child makes a sound like a velociraptor.  I don’t like it when she chucks all over me and I smell like sour milk. My life isn’t perfect and I am learning it’s okay to love my daughter overwhelmingly and not like her at that moment.

I didn’t cease being April when I became a mother.  Being a mom is an extension of myself, of who I was created to be.  It is not my defining characteristic.

I have a serious problem when people try to make mommy blogging a business.  If a blog is real and authentic and becomes a business as an extension of who the mom is… I really don’t mind that.  There are women who do that well.  There are also women that immediately set out to do that.  I think that requires a portion of narcissism and it reminds me a lot of marketed Christianity.  I am not the only woman who has ever had a baby.  I am not a person that has it all figured out.  I am not falsely positive.  I want to hear from a person who is messy around the edges, who doesn’t have a seemingly perfect life with “Superkids.”

Let me rejoice with you.  Mourn with you.  Groan, celebrate, and relate to you. Tell me about your kids’ birthdays and dinners.  Show me pictures and videos. But be you in the process.  I don’t like the smell of inauthenticity.  It’s too sickly sweet.

My hope is that I’m authentic.  Seriously, slap me if I’m not.  I realize that this has become a bit of a rant, and it wasn’t my intention.  I’ve just seen marketed Christianity where Jesus is a shiny product.  I don’t want to see motherhood the same way.

That’s just not my thing.