Imposer, Imposter.

Let me begin by apologizing.  I am afraid that you think I only complain, that I live in a world of melancholy.  That is not true.  I just pull from the inmost recesses of my heart when I write, and that is a place of messy corners and tangled emotions.  I have also been displaced from anything that is considered “normal” for over a year.  I think that justifies me a bit in my grumblings. 🙂

The holidays.  My favorite time of year.

I live for this time of year.  I pull out my autumn garlands, homemade wreaths, my sparkly arrangements and I light my “Home for the Holidays” candles.  I keep a fire in the fireplace.  I bake spritz cookies with holiday jam centers, pumpkin pies, and anything cinnamon.

This will be my second holiday season without these things.

We found out this week that we will not be moving out of my grandparents home this month the way we had hoped to.   We will be keeping them displaced.  They don’t mind — they genuinely like us here — but we feel so awful.  Moochers.

I wanted to have a home this holiday season.  I wanted to invite family over for a holiday get-together.  I wanted to bake goodies and play hostess.  We will have Thanksgiving at my grandparents (our) home this year.  It’s not MINE, but it’s something, at least.  Still, it feels like I’m just a imposter, playing hostess to a home that is not mine.

This Christmas will be equally unsettling.  All of our Christmas decorations are still packed away.  I always wanted to give my baby a picture-perfect Christmas, even though it’s just for me.  I wanted to put her “baby’s first Christmas” ornament on our tree.  Her stocking next to ours.  It’s just weird.  Nothing’s the same, anymore.  Last year’s Christmas at the in-laws was strange, because we were snowed out and we had to come later.  It was a gathering of just my husband and I opening gifts a week or two after Christmas while his family watched.  It was awkward and sad for me… it just seemed like a reminder that nothing was the same.

This year, we’re traveling to our BIL and SIL’s house.  It’s going to be Christmas in a new place (although it’s for our traveling ease, and I am thankful for that) and that’s going to be so weird for me.  I’m also a little jealous (yes, I just admitted that).  My SIL, who has been in the family for 9+ months will get to play hostess in her home.  I will have nothing to do.  I will be at loose ends, feeling like I don’t have a role, and therefore feeling like I’m not quite belonging. I already feel like I ceased being me when the baby was born.  I feel so second-rate.  Doesn’t feel fair.

Ha.  Haven’t I learned that already?  Life’s not fair.

That’s my confession.  One of my desires is to be the hostess in my home.  The center of the family like my grandmother has been for years.  I know this year isn’t going to be awful.  It will be sweet and beautiful in its own way.  I just struggle with the changes, and mourn the fact that I don’t get my own personal pride-booster of being told that I’m the perfect hostess, that people love being around me.

See? I’m both and imposer and an imposter.

Is this a normal reaction or am I as crazy as I sound?

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8 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Susan on November 13, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Haha. Not crazy at all. Let me make you feel better. (It’s creepy how alike we are!) Because I also feel lost when not in the hostess role, and when I’m not getting my longed for ego stroke, I tend to take over at whomever’s home we happen to be having the gathering at. I know, right? I should be ashamed, but I’m not. I cook too many dishes (and gloat when my dishes are chosen over Grandma/Mom/SIL’s dishes). I try and make my desserts not only the best tasting, but the prettiest (and I’m pretty sure no one else cares but me.) It’s sad really. Maybe you should give it a try this year haha. Go from being Disgruntled Displaced April to Agressive, Pushy Tries-to-Hard April.

    Reply

    • Susan- could you imagine if we were in the same family? We would have the most exquisite parties… but no one would want to be around us in the kitchen! 😉 I’m the same way. I haven’t been as pushy as I wanted to, but I work hard to make my dishes the best. I am one of those people that insist on making everything from scratch so that people know I’ve gone the extra mile! I’m not happy if my best dessert is a “cheat” in anyway!

      Reply

  2. Posted by MARY on November 13, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    No sweetheart. It’s not crazy and you are perfectly normal and have feelings I dare say that most of us, if we would be honest to ourselves and to others around, have felt on more that one occasion in this time we call life. Let me try to help look at it in a different light.
    As we get older, yes this happens to most of us, things don’t always go as we planned or at least, had hoped for. I try to not center my thoughts on my disappointments or my material surroundings, but look at the people around me. Yes, instead of feeling sad or hurt for the loss of my own desires, open up my heart to the lives and souls around me. Loving them just as they are and opening my doors and heart to them, even if my house is not my “own”. You are! And in that, April, you are the “perfect” host. Your home is where ever you are, darling. Remember that everything around is just temporary. But you and Todd are not! Where ever you two are, is your home. Your love, smile, laughter, talents, gifts, family, and friends is what it is really all about. I know you believe this………Let us both just remember that in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we can still make precious memories. For I have many many many memories of a precious little girl that I knew when she was born, was going to make her mark in this world…….Feelings….good or bad….are perfectly normal…and sometimes extra special….Just like you…..Love you forever….M

    Reply

    • Aunt Mary, you always know exactly the best thing to say. I just want to come to your house, curl up on your couch and put my head in your lap! I love you so much. Thank you for this reminder.

      Reply

  3. Posted by joharp on November 13, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Know what would make you feel better? Make me a pumpkin pie.

    Reply

  4. I love this post. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say love because I don’t love that you’re in this position. It sucks. You sound like the hostess I’ve always aspired to be but was too tired to make it a reality!

    I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don’t. Sorry. I do hope that you have your own home soon though and that you guys are able to make special memories this Thanksgiving and Christmas, no matter where you are.

    p.s. Does this mean that you’re not moving to DFW and we can’t be BFFs in real life?? 😦

    Reply

  5. No, unfortunately. 😦 It makes me sad in so many ways.

    Reply

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