Confess.

I have a confession.

I am an attention seeker.

While I have been busy with life, crafts, and traveling, that’s not my primary reason for being so silent. I honestly haven’t been true to myself. Why am I so weak?!? I have been preoccupied with the fact that I am getting less readers and comments on my blog and facebook that I haven’t been “on my game.” HOW LAME IS THAT?!?

It takes me 2.5 seconds to become obsessed with being someone other than myself.

I’m acknowledging my desperation, so that’s a start, right?

It has put the song “Wedding Dress” by Derek Webb in my head.

If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need
or is there more I’m looking for

and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want

I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Church lately. Myself too. We are broken. Our painted faces cover the cracks below the surface in ourselves. We’re not willing to address the cracks, even when we can see them clearly. I think a lot of people get away from the Church because people want to keep things covered up. The people who are broken and bruised come searching within the Church and often find people who don’t understand or have become so conditioned to cover things up that they can’t help themselves, much less another soul.

I’ve been so preoccupied with myself and my “plight” that I have forgotten to be content with what I have. I have a husband who loves me, who cooks dinner at least 3 times a week, who cleans the kitchen and works his hiney off to support us. I have the most ridiculously cute baby girl in the whole world who is happy almost all the time, travels well, goes with the flow, and laughs until she cries. I have been able to spend a year with my family, creating a bond that I didn’t have before this year. So what if we haven’t been able to live on our own?

Maybe we were supposed to do this.

It has definitely shattered my preconceived notions of independence and financial freedom. I have been forced to have faith. I don’t feel like I have any more faith than when I started… but I believe I will later. I’ve been guilty of being “satisfied by lovers less wild.”

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5 responses to this post.

  1. April,
    I promise you that you aren’t the only one struggling. I wish it was just you and me who are riddled with questions and anger, but I know several more. I can tell you that those answers are there but, as you know, the answers aren’t always what we’d like them to be nor are they easily attained. I no longer toss out trite answers to problems, “just pray about it and all will be good.” Not necessarily. Bad things happen to good and godly people all the time. I spent a year walking in the “valley of the shadow,” in pain I shared with very few. Then the church issues piled on top. But I can speak only for me. I have a life long love affair with Jesus. It gets better. I will never be the person I was before that valley but I am still me. Wiser and more jaded, but when I speak of loss and pain, you can bet I know what I’m talking about because I’ve been there too. Maybe not the exact place, but close.

    My Granny used to tell me to count my blessings when I’d call with some (usually boy) problem or another. I’d tell her I don’t have any blessings. She would say, “well, you called me so you were able to pay your phone bill. Thats a blessing. You have a Granny who loves you, that’s a blessing. You haven’t mentioned that you’re bald, so your hair is still on your head.” You get the idea. So when I’m down, I count my blessings. It’s the one time I can be self centered and productive. I write them down. I filled a notebook once with blessings large and small. I’m semi-literate…there’s a blessing. I was about to count some of yours for you but you’ve already started and keep it up.

    I hate when no-one comments me too. Make me feel like a dumb. No one ever comments my blog either…which sometimes makes me a little free-er with what I write than I should be. SO I left you this BIG FAT COMMENT!! 🙂

    Reply

  2. Posted by Lisa P on October 26, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Just for the record….I read every blog. I just didn’t want to be one of those readers that has something to say about everything (even though your words DO spark a thought or comment most every time). I smile and keep the thoughts to myself.
    WRITE THE BOOK.
    Call it something catchy like, “April Showers~Raindrops of Life, Floods from the Heart”

    Reply

  3. Posted by Gina on October 26, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Ditto what Lisa said!

    Reply

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