A little less conversation, a little more action

How do I put this into words?

…I’m not the greatest friend.

I’m guilty of being a “convenience” friend.  I don’t call all the time.  I basically confide in those whom I am around on a regular basis.  Often, when I am in a quandary, I have no one to talk to because I haven’t made the effort to talk to anyone when times were easy.  I live in my own world.

It’s funny, because most people would categorize me as being a huge people person.  It’s true, I’m very talkative and friendly, but I actually get drained after a day with people.  I prefer a one-on-one conversation.  I am energized when I am here writing in the dark with the television on in the background.

I digress.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with friends that I haven’t talked to in a very long time.  Too long.  These were the people that I would tell you are lifelong friends. The ones you make in college.  The ones you saw fall in love, get married, and have babies.  About a year ago, we began to drift apart.  I got pregnant, lost my job, fell into a self-absorbed funk, and we began to talk less.  Feelings were wounded.  I was resentful. We didn’t communicate the way we should.

When Babybel was born, she became my world. We didn’t have a church family up here, few friends, and we stay at home all the time because it’s the most fiscally responsible thing we could do.  I poured myself into her…I still do.  Whatever did I think or do before she was here? I honestly can’t remember. Remember how I said in an earlier post on how I was obsessive?  Case and point. Especially in the first few months, all I could think of was Babybel.

In the conversation yesterday, we talked about the awkward silence that had permeated our friendship over the past several months.  One point was that all I do anymore is talk about babies.  Ouch.  When did I become that woman?

Being a mother is a good thing.  A great thing.  Ceasing to exist outside of being a mother is NOT a good thing.  Ironically enough, a friend of mine had just written about having a “Mommy Break Room” in her blog that same day.  I think I need a little more than one of those.  I need to regain a life.

I mean, I’m a smart girl.  A really smart girl.  One of those annoying magna cum laude graduates that everyone couldn’t stand.  I’m crafty.  I’m creative.

My boss at the last church I worked for made me believe I wasn’t, because I wasn’t what he wanted me to be.  He made me feel inadequate, dumb, weak. Like I wasn’t good enough.

But I am. Good enough.

I’m going to try to be a better friend.  I’m going to try to call more, make more of an effort.  I’m going to try to regain a life.  I’m going to worship more.  Although I love being a mama more than I’ve ever loved doing anything else, I will FAIL as a mother if I let it be my defining characteristic.  I will fail as a wife as well.

Has anyone else been guilty of letting yourself go in leu of something or someone else?

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4 responses to this post.

  1. I love you doll. My job is my baby, haha. That was my life until recently.

    Don’t let anyone make you feel less than fabulous though because you are. You’re beautiful and smart and creative and a really caring person. I know if I ever need someone to talk/vent/cry to that you’d be there to listen, even if we hadn’t talked in a while.

    Reply

  2. Such great thoughts. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Repeat after me…”I have a problem”. Ok, much better!

    I’m totally the same way. I get so wrapped up in being a mother, that I forget to be ME. A wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister… all those wonderful things! Keep it up girl!!

    Reply

  3. Posted by Gina on September 29, 2010 at 11:54 am

    I hear ya! Just let me say, from the “other” side of where you are now, that it will sneak up on you. When you least expect it, you will wake up & realize that she is grown & you don’t know what happened to your life. Invest in yourself & in your marriage now & every day. You & your child(ren) will be better off in the long run. Couple time doesn’t have to be expensive, but counseling later will be! By the way, I consider myself a low-maintenance friend. I don’t have to be checked up on all the time to know that I’m someone’s friend. But I know I can call any number of people if I need anything & they’re there in no time. Most of them are the same way. You are a good friend! Call if you need anything.

    Reply

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