speechless.

I feel very isolated sometimes.  It’s usually in the midst of people.

Tonight I shared a truthful bit of my heart with someone I love.  Immediately I regretted the words, feeling my heart beat awkwardly in my chest, wishing I would have never spoken.  I find myself writing on here out into the abyss, with the sincere hope that someone can relate and reach out to me and reassure me that I am not, indeed, crazy.  I long to hear that it’s okay to hurt, and battle with God.  That I’m not wrong for wanting to take a step back to reassess.  I feel pressure to be at a place where I am “spiritually acceptable” immediately and guilt because I am not.

I struggle with tears on nights like this, replaying the scene over-and-over, wishing I would have never opened my mouth. The wool on this sheep just seems to get blacker and blacker.

Have you ever been in a bad place spiritually?  In a place where you didn’t want to hear “just pray about it” or “give it to God,” but wanted to reach out to a person who could speak to you about being there themselves? The person that knows that you just need someone to listen, reassure, share, and then encourage?

Do you think that maybe those that have no tolerance for the pain and hard questions are being less of the face of Christ? Would Jesus blow these feelings over, or would He address them? Would He be compassionate instead of white-washing or argumentative? If so, then why aren’t we?

I have no answers right now.  Just questions.

I hurt.  Deeply.  With scars that I wish would just heal.  I wish I could just fix it so that I could make things less difficult for others.

Wouldn’t you know just when I thought I had this figured out
I’m back at my first day at school
Trying not to think too loud I raise my hand to scratch my head
I’ve no ideas of what to do
‘Cause something’s changed today
And what it is I just can’t say
And if I don’t seem okay, well I’m okay
(Chorus)
So sue me, sue me, if I just don’t want coffee tonight
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3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Curtis McMinn on September 3, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    No need to feel ashamed for being real. Shame for fakeness; not for realness. I’m there most days experiencing that questioning. If you need someone to rant to, dust off my number.

    Reply

  2. That place sucks. So do Christian cliches for that matter. Questions are good. Keep asking them.

    Good song though.

    Reply

  3. Posted by ali on September 5, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    oh april, i completely, totally understand how you feel.

    i believe in a different kind of soul mates. not the destined to be together forever crap. i believe soul mates are the people you meet in your life whose soul seems to be cut from the same fabric yours is. those people who just get you better than anyone else. the people who, no matter how much time or distance has come between you, you still feel that that same comfortable feeling when you’re around them. i feel that way about you. you get me, even when i have a hard time explaining myself. its comforting to know someone gets you.

    if you need to talk or vent or question, know im always here to listen.

    Reply

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