Uncertain future

If you are my friend, or if you have read this blog at all, you have come to the conclusion that my husband and I are in a very uncertain position.   Here is our rough timeline:
July 2009 – found out I was pregnant
August – terminated from my job from a church in the DFW area… loss of income and insurance.
Sept – moved out of our apartment to a home in the area… husband was able to get us insurance through his job.
Oct – searched for employment … no luck. Found out home we are renting is NOT a good situation.
Nov – after months of searching and also fighting with our Kenyan landlord who lives in Europe, we move in with family in Oklahoma.
Dec – moved into a 5th wheel in OK- experience our first blizzard.
Jan 2010 – major ice storm
Feb – moved into grandparents’ home
Mar – waited to have our baby
April – delivered baby
May – … and here we are.

We have felt homeless for the first time.  Our outlook towards those who have fallen on hard times have changed.  We have had to swallow our pride and rely on family because we couldn’t make it on our own.  I have dealt with the feeling of discrimination and the inability to be hired throughout my entire pregnancy. 

I have built my reputation on being independent.  We never expected to be here.

Now, I have a sweet 6 week old child.  We have so many questions.  We need additional income, but we cannot get a minimum wage job because childcare would take 60+% of the wages, and any additional income wouldn’t help us pay for our living.  Our family was initially going to be our caregivers, but we have since discovered that it is not going to be ideal.  My heart and desire my entire life was to be a stay at home mom (at least during preschool years) and so this is extra hard. 

Todd has been working diligently to secure our future.  I have never been more proud of him and more in love.  He really is my protector and I think he is such a great man.

We are praying for miracles to happen SOON.  I don’t feel like I can drain my family much longer.  My desire would be for Todd to get a boost in income soon and for myself to be able to stay at home with my child.

I have felt like the majority of my prayers haven’t been answered for a very long time. I am trying to hold onto hope.  I know that I haven’t been forgotten, although there are days it seems that way.  I know that we have experienced some very real blessings.  My child. Our families. Friends.

I guess I’m asking for prayers.  I don’t REALLY know what I’m asking for… I just felt like I had to talk about it. 

Looking back at the road so far
The journey’s left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You’ve made good of this mess I’ve made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I’d rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee


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