Mixed Emotions

So, it’s 99.9% official.  We are moving again.  In 3 months, we have experienced: discovery of pregnancy, loss of job, loss of church friends/family, moving to another place to live, discovering place is not what we needed, financial struggle, and now, a move back to be near family and get our feet under us.  It’s not hard to imagine that we’re frustrated.  We’re sad.  We’re angry.  It doesn’t seem right.  We’ve done it “right.”  People tell you this is how it’s supposed to go: go to college, date, get engaged, graduate college, get married, “wait” until marriage, be married for a few years, have a good job, have a baby.  Well, we did it.  In that order.  So, why can’t Todd get a job that reflects his education level?  Why did I have to get completely screwed over in my job? Why do we have to be practically desolate while we have friends who complain about not making enough money and they have multiple times more than we?  More importantly, when I know I need to be feeling that God has not abandoned us, there is a great silence.  First time in my life I’ve had a hard time reconciling between the two.

So, I’ve made a list of things I’m excited about with the move, and things I’m sad about.  As you can imagine, I have so many thoughts running through my head right now.

Reasons why I’m glad about moving to Oklahoma

Seeing family more often
Having a great support system
We’ll be able to get on our feet again
It’s been a long time- 8 years- since I’ve been “home”
Hearing the BC Clark’s jingle
Having a fresh start
When baby is born, we have people who will love and take care of baby
Seeing a little snow
Lower stress level
It’s the right thing to do
We get away from those that hurt us

Reasons why I’m sad about moving to Oklahoma

Farther away from Todd’s family
Leaving our dearest friend here
Having to make new friends
Starting over again
Living with family
The inevitable “crazies” I will experience
Finding a church home again
The feeling of “we failed, we couldn’t make it”
Not being able to make it in front of those who hurt us
The stress of moving again
Having to find a new baby doctor
Not being able to become a teacher (apparently don’t qualify in OK)

This is not a completely comprehensive list.

We’re just trying to make it.  It’s like The Little Engine That Could, but instead of chanting “I think I can, I think I can,” I’m chanting, “I hope I can, I hope I can.”

We hope we can.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by joharp on November 12, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    A few general thoughts…
    I am not sure seeing family more often (me excluded obviously) is not necessarily in the right column…
    Seriously, there is no “right” way to do things. Yes, there is the conventional, unconventional, random, whatever, way to do things, but not “right.” I was doing things the right way up until Grad school and discovered that following that path made me want to pull my eyes out with splintered chopsticks. I get the feeling of “we failed, we couldn’t make it.” I lived with Mom and Dad for 6 months and did odd jobs for friends and family for cash to do anything.
    I don’t see it as starting over as much as I see it as life. We both have moved up in the world and generally have friends that were brought up in families with more security. We can appreciate things more. I am saying this because of the whole friends with more and want more statement. That is just wants, everyone has wants. Everyone wants more, to be better, have better. And when life suddenly goes the opposite way, it really sucks.
    But like I said, starting over is just life. How many businesses has our family had over the years? Who knows what life will bring you? You still have your education, you still have your faith, and you still have your will. Sure life can suck for a while, but it will only make the good times that much better.
    I sort of forgot where I was going with that. See you in 2 weeks!

    Reply

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