humpty dumpty

“All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put humpty dumpty together again.”

The pieces of my life seem to be humpty dumpty right now.  No matter how hard I try to see how the pieces can fit, I can’t seem to put anything together.  I know if I think hard about it, I could find so much worse than what we have.  We’re not actually homeless.  If we were truly getting there (and I think we might be) we would have people who were willing to take us in and help us.

We may be moving again.  We’ve had a “house” for 2 weeks, and it seems like this isn’t where we’re supposed to be.  (Good thing we haven’t really unpacked) I don’t think we have enough in the bank to pay for another thousand-dollar rent payment.  Moving has costs.

I’m getting tired of tearing up at the grocery store because I’m taking a chance on buying groceries.

I’m weary of not having a job and not really being “hireable”.  The types of jobs available to pregnant women in this economy is limited.  Also, having only 4-5 more months of actually being able to work and then the stress of not being able to work afterward is staggering.

It’s hard doing this and not being anywhere near a family support system.  Although, I don’t know if it would change it much or not.

I haven’t been writing about it because it is simply too difficult to put into words.  Even right now, what’s going through my head and coursing through my fingers are two different things.

I have fear, anger, moments of peace and hope, and a million other emotions running through my head.

Are we being punished? Did we do something that would cause God to chastise us?

I know, “just rely on God.”  Or, “one day you’ll look back and you’ll see that God was seeing you through this.”  How about “just have faith,” or some other phrase you’re thinking of.

I’m trying to work through all these things.  I’m working through the “God thoughts” and the “why God why?! thoughts” and the “make do thoughts” and the “holy )*#$ we’re going to live in a box thoughts” and the “I am so pissed at you ________ thoughts” and the “how could you do this to us thoughts” and the “how come You aren’t helping where I can can see you thoughts” and the “okay, You can show up now thoughts” and even more thoughts than that.

I need some help. I need to feel some arms of comfort around me.

I am so broken. God, just tell me what to do.  I’ll do it.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Michael Awbrey on October 14, 2009 at 11:45 am

    We are here if we can do anything.

    Reply

  2. Thanks Michael

    Reply

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