part of a letter – something I’ve been thinking about

Through all of this, I can’t help but believe in God. There’s a part of me that still can’t reconcile why God allows such things to happen, but I believe God mourns. Perhaps it is because I saw him through a broken household, or because I never knew the churchy side of things, but with Jesus, my pain fades away. Now, Christianity is something that I have a very hard time with. Not all aspects of it, but the part that distorts it (which is too much). I think that loving God is a messy process. I can’t think of many stories of the Bible where God allowed someone to live a “cushioned” life. The world nowadays preaches a prosperity gospel, where “God wants to bless you” and “give you everything.” But, I see God more through the eyes of Derek Webb than Joel Osteen (to use two public Christian figures). I don’t think God ever meant for us to have superiority complexes, and yet, that’s what most Christians have today. Especially those in God’s service. I had one. It may not have been noticeable to the world, but deep down, I had one. I thought that because I was a leader, because I studied and prayed, because I “loved the world in God’s name,” that I was exempt from some of the trials and tribulations that I had seen others go through. I thought I could avoid mistakes I had seen my husband make, as well as others.

Now I’m learning that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t seem to matter. Things are going to happen to us that will take our breath away, that’s going to make us think twice about who we are and what we are doing. What’s important is what we learn as we are going through it. Some people will find solace in what they have always known, in contemporary Christian music and “old-fashioned revival.” Others will find it in their darkest hour, in deep soul searching, in nature, in a child. My hope is that I find it. My hope is that you find it.

I can’t help but think of the old Caedmon’s song “The Truth” (which, is Derek Webb) – “There was life before my life. There was provision before my need. There was redemption for my sins and I thank the Lord, that the Truth’s not contingent on me.”


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Megan Card on September 12, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Your words are so refreshing. I couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve found that I’ve received my biggest blessings from the Lord during my darkest hours. I’m praying for you and Todd right now.


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