So, it’s 99.9% official. We are moving again. In 3 months, we have experienced: discovery of pregnancy, loss of job, loss of church friends/family, moving to another place to live, discovering place is not what we needed, financial struggle, and now, a move back to be near family and get our feet under us. It’s not hard to imagine that we’re frustrated. We’re sad. We’re angry. It doesn’t seem right. We’ve done it “right.” People tell you this is how it’s supposed to go: go to college, date, get engaged, graduate college, get married, “wait” until marriage, be married for a few years, have a good job, have a baby. Well, we did it. In that order. So, why can’t Todd get a job that reflects his education level? Why did I have to get completely screwed over in my job? Why do we have to be practically desolate while we have friends who complain about not making enough money and they have multiple times more than we? More importantly, when I know I need to be feeling that God has not abandoned us, there is a great silence. First time in my life I’ve had a hard time reconciling between the two.
So, I’ve made a list of things I’m excited about with the move, and things I’m sad about. As you can imagine, I have so many thoughts running through my head right now.
Reasons why I’m glad about moving to Oklahoma
Seeing family more often
Having a great support system
We’ll be able to get on our feet again
It’s been a long time- 8 years- since I’ve been “home”
Hearing the BC Clark’s jingle
Having a fresh start
When baby is born, we have people who will love and take care of baby
Seeing a little snow
Lower stress level
It’s the right thing to do
We get away from those that hurt us
Reasons why I’m sad about moving to Oklahoma
Farther away from Todd’s family
Leaving our dearest friend here
Having to make new friends
Starting over again
Living with family
The inevitable “crazies” I will experience
Finding a church home again
The feeling of “we failed, we couldn’t make it”
Not being able to make it in front of those who hurt us
The stress of moving again
Having to find a new baby doctor
Not being able to become a teacher (apparently don’t qualify in OK)
This is not a completely comprehensive list.
We’re just trying to make it. It’s like The Little Engine That Could, but instead of chanting “I think I can, I think I can,” I’m chanting, “I hope I can, I hope I can.”
We hope we can.
“All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put humpty dumpty together again.”
The pieces of my life seem to be humpty dumpty right now. No matter how hard I try to see how the pieces can fit, I can’t seem to put anything together. I know if I think hard about it, I could find so much worse than what we have. We’re not actually homeless. If we were truly getting there (and I think we might be) we would have people who were willing to take us in and help us.
We may be moving again. We’ve had a “house” for 2 weeks, and it seems like this isn’t where we’re supposed to be. (Good thing we haven’t really unpacked) I don’t think we have enough in the bank to pay for another thousand-dollar rent payment. Moving has costs.
I’m getting tired of tearing up at the grocery store because I’m taking a chance on buying groceries.
I’m weary of not having a job and not really being “hireable”. The types of jobs available to pregnant women in this economy is limited. Also, having only 4-5 more months of actually being able to work and then the stress of not being able to work afterward is staggering.
It’s hard doing this and not being anywhere near a family support system. Although, I don’t know if it would change it much or not.
I haven’t been writing about it because it is simply too difficult to put into words. Even right now, what’s going through my head and coursing through my fingers are two different things.
I have fear, anger, moments of peace and hope, and a million other emotions running through my head.
Are we being punished? Did we do something that would cause God to chastise us?
I know, “just rely on God.” Or, “one day you’ll look back and you’ll see that God was seeing you through this.” How about “just have faith,” or some other phrase you’re thinking of.
I’m trying to work through all these things. I’m working through the “God thoughts” and the “why God why?! thoughts” and the “make do thoughts” and the “holy )*#$ we’re going to live in a box thoughts” and the “I am so pissed at you ________ thoughts” and the “how could you do this to us thoughts” and the “how come You aren’t helping where I can can see you thoughts” and the “okay, You can show up now thoughts” and even more thoughts than that.
I need some help. I need to feel some arms of comfort around me.
I am so broken. God, just tell me what to do. I’ll do it.
worms
finding their way through the doors
dying on my floors
in their quest to escape from the rain
fresh air
calling to me to breathe it in
but the blinds are broken
and I can’t see outside
dishwasher
flooding the floors with water
giving me tons of bother
because the garbage disposal doesn’t work
the dryer monster
that eats my clothes
and leaves little holes
in the few shirts I can still fit in
the smell
of stinky wet dogs
and moldy wet bogs
because of the flooding of the dishwasher
should I be sad because I live in the house of broken things?
or do the things break around me
as a reflection of my heart
and the life I have witnessed lately
because I am sad and broken
and moldy around the edges
because I’ve been sitting in disrepair
for too long.
Today is a sad day.
At this point, Todd and I will be homeless in about 3 weeks. At this point, I do not have a job. Financially, we don’t know how we are going to make it.
But these are not things I am sad about. I know that things will work out.
Today, I am downsizing. To financially and physically be able to make the move, we are getting rid of things we don’t need. I am taking a lot of my books to the 1/2 price bookstore. We have so many books, it will make the move easier if we downsize. Also, I can read without owning everything. Now, some that I re-read often I will keep. Books that will help Todd in his endeavors will stay. But, my friends, my dear friends will go. Characters I have fell in love with. Ideas that made me stop and think twice. Thoughts that changed my outlook on life.
I thought this would be simple enough.
Then, I started to cry. I don’t need to own all the books to be a reader, but they are my escape, my safety net.
I am saying goodbye to my friends today.
Through all of this, I can’t help but believe in God. There’s a part of me that still can’t reconcile why God allows such things to happen, but I believe God mourns. Perhaps it is because I saw him through a broken household, or because I never knew the churchy side of things, but with Jesus, my pain fades away. Now, Christianity is something that I have a very hard time with. Not all aspects of it, but the part that distorts it (which is too much). I think that loving God is a messy process. I can’t think of many stories of the Bible where God allowed someone to live a “cushioned” life. The world nowadays preaches a prosperity gospel, where “God wants to bless you” and “give you everything.” But, I see God more through the eyes of Derek Webb than Joel Osteen (to use two public Christian figures). I don’t think God ever meant for us to have superiority complexes, and yet, that’s what most Christians have today. Especially those in God’s service. I had one. It may not have been noticeable to the world, but deep down, I had one. I thought that because I was a leader, because I studied and prayed, because I “loved the world in God’s name,” that I was exempt from some of the trials and tribulations that I had seen others go through. I thought I could avoid mistakes I had seen my husband make, as well as others.
Now I’m learning that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t seem to matter. Things are going to happen to us that will take our breath away, that’s going to make us think twice about who we are and what we are doing. What’s important is what we learn as we are going through it. Some people will find solace in what they have always known, in contemporary Christian music and “old-fashioned revival.” Others will find it in their darkest hour, in deep soul searching, in nature, in a child. My hope is that I find it. My hope is that you find it.
I can’t help but think of the old Caedmon’s song “The Truth” (which, is Derek Webb) – “There was life before my life. There was provision before my need. There was redemption for my sins and I thank the Lord, that the Truth’s not contingent on me.”
Please,
No more Christian phrases
do you understand?
and please don’t be offended
when I tell you I don’t want to hear
I just need a minute
to catch my breath.
Thank you.
What would it be to be a farmer?
to watch the world grow
stretching and bending
to nature’s divine plan
to know that the world
is so much bigger than your tiny bit of earth
but the life that you live
is governed by what you make of it
Do you marvel over the changing of season?
watching newness of life
in every bud or sweet pale leaf
or every opening of a new eye
do you mourn when branches crack
under heavy strain of winter
when mother Earth shows her power
over every living creature
seeking solitude in the shade of a tree
older than all your days
in the heat of a summer dry and bright
taking your breath away
celebrating the harvest of miracles
of golden grains and sweet fruits
of your labor
and sacrifices unimaginable
Do you take time to appreciate
the smells of sweet grass and hay
or soil damp from rain
of the shy sun hiding behind trees
winking goodnight and I’ll miss you?
some days I would like to be a farmer
to feel like my life
is fulfilling a purpose laid
long before my birth
and long after I return to the earth
to have my days
measured in plantings and harvests
in fresh eggs and new births
in quiet sunsets on the prairie
Come, sweet harvest.
Speak?
I cannot.
Wrapped up in a million thoughts
each beckoning to me
saying everything
and nothing
simultaneously.
What are You saying to me?
Am I to be lost here forever
wondering
what is around the corner?
Why?
Why are we bound into heartless corporate strategies
that drain the life
of those around us?
If You are speaking to me-
make it clear
wash me in poetry and prose
that screams from the rooftops
and whispers in my heart.
Let me not forget
the promises
that linger
from conversations long ago.
You will deliver me …
but if not…
but if not.
Sometimes the deepest breaths are the hardest ones to take. Most people prefer the shallow one – a breath that no one thinks about. The natural breath.
It’s not always possible.
Sometimes life forces you to take the deep breaths because the wind has been knocked out of you. Something or someone has come by and stolen the very path you walk on and you fall, hitting your back on a new, hard, cold surface that leaves you feeling disoriented and drained.
How will you find your way now?
It leaves you lost for hours, days, weeks, months, even years. Although you eventually make your way back, those moments never disappear. Your mind still remembers clearly what the night looked like as you drove away. Intermittently, images of him flash in your mind. You remember what she looked like when times were good. Anything. Everything. It all comes back.
And you’re left there, barely breathing.
I always wanted to grow up.
dreaming about it
in my room
with the Beach Boys singing “surfer girl” in the background
talking about it
jumping
on my trampoline
playing like it
in my treehouse
putting curtains on the windows
I was never
fully allowed to grow up
firmly wrapped up in a family
that allowed me to read books
write stories
sing songs
dream … dreams.
I never considered
being quiet about my dreams
or having to put a smile on my face
in the face of meanness
or having to learn what is appropriate or not
that some things
are simply better than others
and you better just go with it.
Thank you Mom
Dad
Grandparents
for letting me make mud pies
and chase pets
and speak my mind
learning more about myself
than I ever realized at that time.
