Sometimes the deepest breaths are the hardest ones to take. Most people prefer the shallow one – a breath that no one thinks about. The natural breath.
It’s not always possible.
Sometimes life forces you to take the deep breaths because the wind has been knocked out of you. Something or someone has come by and stolen the very path you walk on and you fall, hitting your back on a new, hard, cold surface that leaves you feeling disoriented and drained.
How will you find your way now?
It leaves you lost for hours, days, weeks, months, even years. Although you eventually make your way back, those moments never disappear. Your mind still remembers clearly what the night looked like as you drove away. Intermittently, images of him flash in your mind. You remember what she looked like when times were good. Anything. Everything. It all comes back.
And you’re left there, barely breathing.
I always wanted to grow up.
dreaming about it
in my room
with the Beach Boys singing “surfer girl” in the background
talking about it
jumping
on my trampoline
playing like it
in my treehouse
putting curtains on the windows
I was never
fully allowed to grow up
firmly wrapped up in a family
that allowed me to read books
write stories
sing songs
dream … dreams.
I never considered
being quiet about my dreams
or having to put a smile on my face
in the face of meanness
or having to learn what is appropriate or not
that some things
are simply better than others
and you better just go with it.
Thank you Mom
Dad
Grandparents
for letting me make mud pies
and chase pets
and speak my mind
learning more about myself
than I ever realized at that time.
Todd and I are now in a competition to lose weight. After being at home this weekend, I have realized that I am totally fed up with this extra 40 pounds on me. So, my goal is ultimately to lose 40 pounds. Todd’s goal is to lose 20. He and Pop have a bet to get $50.00 for whoever loses the 20 pounds first. My goal is to beat Todd to the 20 pounds. 
I’ve taken pictures, but there’s NO way you’re going to see the “before.” Maybe after I get to the “after.” Then, hopefully, you’ll be shocked.
Every Monday, I will post the number of pounds we have lost this week. Please, encourage me to keep on this path!
I love storms. I love the sky. People who know me well know that I take pictures of the sky whenever I can. When I was driving into work this morning, this was my view. I couldn’t help but grab my camera and start shooting while I’m going down the road. I’m sure people were looking at me quite strangely! I would much rather be out there than here in my stinky, wet, mildewy office.
A bonafide BBQ "store" in Houston, TX
I wanted to show you this little gem we found in Houston this past weekend. I wonder if they take the “store” with them when they deliver. Do you see the smoker attached to the back?
Now, I don’t want you to think that this is just any fast-food joint. It’s high class. Below, a picture of their chandelier, for your enjoyment.
the classy chandelier
Hope that makes your day!
Just lovely, isn't it?
Ahh, my friends. How I’ve missed talking to you! I wish I had the time and the inclination more to write, but I’ve been going through a pretty crazy time lately. Sometimes I keep from writing simply because I’m not in the mood to write something uber spiritual (cause that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?) and other times, I’m at work and I postpone it to … work. Pathetic excuses, I know.
Life has been pretty crazy lately. I would love to tell you all about it, but I can’t because it’s not all public knowledge yet. It will mean a bunch of changes (which I’m not sure will even happen), both exciting and scary, and I can’t have people worrying preemptively and causing all sorts of ruckus. But I will give you one hint: I’m NOT pregnant.
I’ve also been going through some changes in my personal life as well. Recently, I went through the Esther Bible study by Beth Moore. Now, I am of the impression that most ladies’ Bible studies are a little too “lightweight” and feminine for me, but this one was a little meaty. I liked it. I LOVE a good story, and it was written in a vibrant and connective way that drew me in. It was the first time I’ve consistently gotten back into studying my Bible for my own enjoyment in about a year. If you know me well, you may be a little shocked, because you who know me know I have read my Bible consistently for about 10 years. Let’s just say, there’s been a lot that’s went on in my life that caused me to take a step back for a while.
Now, I’m back into studying. I’ve been reading Galatians (I just finished it today, actually) and it has been amazing how much reading my Bible helps me to tolerate my life right now. Today I read this passage: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9) That’s where I’ve been this past year, “weary in doing good.” Why continue to do good when you’re met with opposition and crap at every turn? I’ve always done what is “right” and “good.” I’m 25. Why not do a little “bad”?
I know what you’re thinking. “Come on, seriously. Do bad? Do you know how to do that?”
Not really. I’ve spent the last year angry and saying the “F” word. I watched trashy VH1 TV shows (which is great entertainment) and had the occasional mojito. I had road rage and took antidepressants. Really bad of me. I’m such the wild child.
There really hasn’t been so much fulfillment in it.
I just want to be healed. It hasn’t been so much in the church, just in Christ. It been found in searching and connecting with other broken seekers. It’s not in advice, or by people telling me to “just get better.” It’s been found in conversations over a cup of coffee and a piece of cheesecake. It’s been found in the trees and the wind that blows softly, telling my story back to me.
I’m finding my path again, slowly.
**If you actually bore through that, I congratulate you. This isn’t exactly my most entertaining piece, but it’s real. For everyone else… that’s why I included an unattractive picture of myself drinking my coffee. Enjoy.
It is only 10:45 and already today has been a busy day. I left my house at 8:30 to run to Market Street and Brookshires to get some donated candy for our egg hunt on the the 11th.
I decide to treat myself to my favorite overpriced coffee, so I drove to Starbucks. I could already smell the sultry goodness. Not being able to contain myself, I fly crookedly into a nearby parking spot, taking two for my pleasure. Surely, all the men in the shop are looking at my parking job and thinking “women.” The idea of someone being so stereotypical… and myself for leading them in that direction… nearly made me walk back to my vehicle and correct my bad parking. I told myself, “It’ll only be a minute,” so I left the crooked car and walked in gleefully.
Ahh, home. I walk to the counter and nearly pass out from the divine aromas. I begin drooling over the diet-banned baked goods and dream of blueberry muffins. The Barista asks me what I want.
“I don’t know. Is there any new stuff out?”
“Well, the white chocolate raspberry mocha is a good choice.”
I think to myself– blech. Pure sugar. I tell him of my preference for “the hard stuff,” and I order a grande drip, room for cream… and a blueberry muffin. He gives me my coffee and I proceed to the “fixing” counter. Already, he didn’t give me enough room for any extra stuff, but I add a little half-and-half anyway and put the lid back on.
I get to my crooked car, and I realize that the Barista didn’t give me the cute little green monkey stopper for my drink. (Seriously, why don’t they just put them out so we can get them ourselves?) I decide that I can’t leave my car so crooked any longer, so I will just drive without it. Great idea– I’ll just put my thumb over the hole when I turn so it won’t spill all over the vehicle.
DEAR GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!
Let’s switch to the index finger.
BAD IDEA!! BAD IDEA!! &((*&%(!!!!
QUICK! Use the towel!
NO!! It’s ABSORBENT!! What else is in here to use? a wrapper?!
I’M BURNING!! I’M BURNING!!
… and that was the first 5 minutes of my coffee experience. Needless to say, it went NOWHERE near my lips for at least 15 minutes. That was the hottest coffee of my life. I think Starbucks is mad at me for staying away from it for so long.
The moral of the story is: never let your desires overtake your common sense. At least not where vengeful coffee is concerned.
The End.
So, I am a part of a ladies’ life group Bible study. I thoroughly enjoy being in a room of women ranging from 25 to 75. I love seeing different perspectives and I welcome the encouragement that comes from the older women. However, I have a small problem. Apparently every time I open up in the class, I reveal to everyone that I am a huge sinner. Now, this is not a surprise to me. On my best days, I’m crap. That’s okay. I have grace that helps me to move ahead even in the wake of the junk I leave behind. It just seems that when I open up with things that I believe all women (people) experience, people respond like I have revealed a truly dark and deep seated problem.
Example #1:
Study leader: “What are some reasons why people may not tell his or her opinion on a situation?”
lady #1: “Fear of offending someone else’s feelings.”
lady #2: “Well, I may not fully understand the situation, or I don’t think it’s my place to tell them that they’re in a bad situation.”
me: “Well, there are 2 reasons why I may keep quiet. One, I think that they may need to make the decision on their own without my opinion butting in. Also, I know that sometimes I have to check my own motives as to why I want to tell them something. For example, I have a couple friend who are doing very well financially and are looking to buy a house. The house they’re looking at is built from scratch and seems too good to be true. Although I am concerned about the quality of the house (because it’s so cheap), I don’t want to simply say something because I feel like I am slighted in some way because the “good” thing isn’t happening to me. So, I have to check my motives before I give an opinion.”
cricket.
cricket.
Then, someone invariably pulls me to the side and lets me know how I need to be content with what I have and not get too caught up in “the world.” I understand that. Very much so. By revealing stories such as this, I’m being neither self-depreciating or seeking attention. I’m simply trying to relate myself in a tangible way. Being imperfect has become a freeing process. My sin is great and therefore my Savior is great. If I couldn’t link myself to sin, then my concept of sin is skewed and I remove the power of God in my life. (This concept is not mine alone, rather, I’m remembering something Derek Webb said on his The House Show album.)
Please know that I am not bothered by the ladies who say these things. I’m just baffled by how revealing our sin nature seems to be a shock to some as opposed to our sin being accepted. Maybe I’m more affected by this because I’m the youngest in the group, or because I’m the only minister in there. If that’s the case, then please, let me shock on. I refuse to be placed on a pedestal or looked at like I’m not allowed to sin. That removes grace from the equation.
On another note, this week I sent a message while in a very dark moment to a dear friend. I asked her if she believed that the church makes God cry, and she sent back this response-
“And yes, I do think the church makes God cry. I also think I make God cry- a lot.”
